Living with the black dog…

I have a black dog; his name is depression.

Just because you can’t see my illness doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Depression crept up on me quietly. I hide it, I deal with it, I push it aside and lock it away but sometimes it comes out.

At the beginning I struggled with the little things, but began to just ignore them thinking that it was temporary and that it would pass. I then began to isolate myself from my friends and family, only coming out of my room when I needed to. I stopped eating, this wasn’t because I wanted attention or that I didn’t want to eat, it was because I wasn’t hungry. My appetite was stolen from me and I forgot to eat. Despite people saying ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day’, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. There is no reason behind me feeling like this, my life was great. I had not long returned to university for my second year of nursing, I had a supportive family and boyfriend, and the best friends possible. This wasn’t enough though, despite all of this I just couldn’t stop feeling sad and crying.

At times I have snapped at many of you for reasons that may have seemed insignificant or even illogical to you. The struggle everyday for weeks or months just to put that first foot on the floor is unreal. Most days I can’t even get out of bed, let alone go to work. I’ve shut myself off and most of the time you cannot understand why. Daily problems seem to have become such a bigger deal than they used to. My daily routine has become robotic from carrying the weight of the world, but I put on my mask and I wear my best fake smile.

I hide from you on my bad days because of what you say to me. When I’m not acting the way I usually do, or when I’m not doing the things I normally do, you deem me as being lazy. I’m not lazy.

On the days when I’m not me, the days my depression has me down, I am weak. I’m weak, tired, discouraged, sad and grumpy. I am all of those things on my bad days, but I am not lazy. I don’t lay around or miss work because I choose to. I’m in bed because my depression has me glued there, feeling worthless. When you mistake that for laziness and point it out to me, you’re actually making me feel like a bigger waste of space than I already do.

My anxiety and depression are constantly battling each other, my depression leaves me feeling worthless and my anxiety tells me that I will never be able to change that. Telling loved ones that you love them, but not feeling it was the hardest part, I know it’s true because I have felt it before but I no longer do. Telling them I loved them just came naturally.

My black dog surprises me with unexpected visits, waking me with highly negative and repetitive thoughts, reminding me how exhausted I was going to be the next day. I am left feeling empty, down, and making me look and feel older than my years. When I’m dealing with my demons, please be patient with me, and remember that I am not my illness. One day I will overcome my demons.

Everybody else seems to be enjoying life however I can only see it through the black dog, he’s chewed up my memory and ability to concentrate. Doing anything or going anywhere with my black dog requires super human strength, activities that used to bring me pleasure suddenly didn’t like they used to. You think I procrastinate because I want to purposefully put things off, but that’s not the case. I don’t procrastinate on purpose. I put things off because my depression has me solely focusing on how I’m feeling, and the way I feel when I’m depressed is awful.

Within social environments he would sniff up my confidence and chew all that I had away. I constantly worry that people are judging me due to the shame and stigma of the black dog. My black dog makes me think and say negative things, making me irritable and difficult to be around. I’ve learnt not to be afraid of my black dog and rather than running away from problems to embrace them.

It doesn’t matter who you are the black dog affects millions and millions of people.

Please do not tell someone living with depression/ anxiety or ANY mental health issue ‘you look fine to me’, well you look ok to me’, ‘you seem ok to me’, you seemed ok yesterday’.  Its easy to put on a face and show the world a different side to you than you show yourself.

“It’s okay to be a glowstick. Sometimes we have to break before we shine”