We live in a world where if you break your arm or leg, everyone runs to sign your cast or ask if you’re okay. But if you tell people that you suffer from depression, they tell you to get over it or that it is self inflicted. We are understandably accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brain. This has become pure ignorance and that ignorance has created the world that doesn’t understand anxiety or depression… that doesn’t understand mental health.
The problem with depression is that you know that “you will be okay” but you still feel awful. Depression is not an emotion, it’s a way of thinking. It controls what you do, what you think of yourself, and how you live your life altogether. You know people love you, however it doesn’t feel like they do. You know that doing something will make you feel better but you don’t know what to do. You want to be well but you just can’t seem to get there. It’s not just a phase or a bad day its a daily struggle but in time it will get better.
It makes you do things that are out of normality. You find yourself sitting in the shower for long periods, letting the water beat against your head as you allow your mind to go blank and escape. Some days it becomes impossible to get out of bed and putting one foot on the floor is a daily achievement whether it be 9am or 2pm.
It’s different to sadness. Sadness is a feeling, while depression is a way of life. Instead of feeling like you want to cry, you feel complete emptiness inside. So empty to the point where you don’t know what to do to fill in the hole. You make yourself think there’s nothing in this world that can fit into that hole. It makes you further think that there’s no hope in making yourself feel complete again. Sometimes, you find unhealthy ways to deal with the emptiness, from alcohol, drugs to a change or lack of appetite. You use any kind of mechanism to try to fill that hole, but instead of it filling, all it’s doing is going right through that hole.
I’ve personally experienced both sides to a change of appetite, while at first I completely lost my appetite and didn’t want to eat or help myself, more recently binge-eating has become my emotional friend. At first whilst I wasn’t eating, the rare episodes of hunger I turned to healthy choices such as Satsuma’s or bananas. I would crave them when my body needed its blood sugar levels topping up. More recently my body has taken a toll and healthy binge choices haven’t met my body’s needs so I’ve turned to bad choices of high calorific foods which has caused a negative affect on my health.
Balancing my depression and appetite has been hard as my appetite has been minimal but the food that I have provided my body with has been so high in calories. Despite going to the gym regularly my body can no longer burn off the calories that I have been providing it with. This has resulted in a rapid weight increase. This could just be me turning to 1 chocolate bar or a packet of crisps a day but due to that being a snack to most people and not a full daily intake it means that my body has only taken in a high sugary diet as opposed to a balanced diet. This has affected my health and I have regularly spent my gym sessions crying to my personal trainer about how annoyed I am with myself and the impact it is having on my body. I have become so angry with myself for eating anything high in calories that on regular occasions I have made myself sick as a way of getting rid of the bad choices that I have made in the spur of the moment. My attitude to food has always been that my body has been that if I am not hungry then why should I eat and waste food.
People who have depression tend to have anxiety as well – the two illnesses often occur hand in hand, and each can make the other worse. If you are feeling anxious, your mind may be full of busy, repetitive thoughts, which can make it hard to concentrate, relax, or sleep. You may have physical symptoms, such as aching muscles, headaches, sweating and dizziness. Anxiety and depression hand in hand can cause physical exhaustion and general ill health such as a run down immune system due to a lack of sleep or nutrients.
There are many different factors which can augment depression such as; life events, loss, anger, a poor diet and lack of physical activity. My personal experience with depression occurred 4 months after the loss of my great- grandfather combined with trying to balance my bereavement alongside working with terminally ill patients whilst carrying out my placements as a student nurse.
At first I thought that I was just going crazy or that there was something seriously wrong with me, I spent my days crying 24/7 and not knowing why. I then decided to turn to the student wellbeing centre where they told me I wasn’t going crazy and that they would book me in for an assessment to talk to a professional. I tried counselling at university however I personally felt that it made me feel worse. I was forever being told that my panic attacks were a severe form of anxiety which made me feel worse than I already did and that I needed to change the way that I thought as the thoughts I were having were irrational. This made me feel guilty and pathetic for the thought that I was having however I didn’t feel that there was anything that I personally could do to change the way that I was thinking. I was having stupid thoughts; did I lock the door? did I turn my hair straighteners off? what if someone trips over the shoes I left by the front door? This was a daily routine for me. I began taking photos on my phone to reassure me that I had turned plug sockets off or videos to show that I had locked the door. I could leave 15 minuets early for something and still end up being 15 minuets late because I didn’t believe myself that everything was safe. I started getting into an OCD check of 3. I check that the front door is locked 3 times, I check that my car door is shut 3 times and press the lock button on my car three times, I take 3 pictures on my phone, I will run up and down the stairs three times to make sure that all the switches in the house that aren’t in use are turned off to prevent any possible fire that could occur. To most people it would sound the most stupid thing ever but I bet there are a few people out there that are sitting there nodding saying I do the same or I’m glad that I’m not the only one that does that.
I am aware that some people reading this may be thinking “We get it. Depression and anxiety exist I’ve heard enough.” I understand. You’re probably sick of reading my blog. You may have even read so many similar posts to the point that it goes right over your head at how common depression and anxiety can be. I’m here to keep reminding you no matter how annoying you think it is, because people who suffer from depression and anxiety need a shoulder to lean on. You can be that shoulder. Be a listener and supporter. Raise awareness and share those articles. Remind others that people are suffering and need a support system. There still isn’t enough people out there that understand what people with a mental illness are going through or how to react when someone is having an anxiety attack or breakdown. Depression and anxiety can lead to very dangerous things. However, if we act and help out those in need, we can pull them back from those decisions. Depression and anxiety shouldn’t be forgotten about because if it is, then we make victims of depression and anxiety think that their struggle means nothing and its not worth fighting for.
“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle”
Life's Full of Ups and Downs 